Hey there! Feel free to tell me to shut up if I'm out of line. 😀
One of the first things that gets destroyed in any abusive relation ship is your self-esteem and confidence.
After fifteen years of this I imagine you feel more than a little bad about who you are and that he is a very important part of your life.
Maybe only reason you feel like this is that he has beaten you down so much that on some levels you believe him. I know what that's like, the last b/f had me convinced that I was nothing, stupid, useless and that everything he gave me I should be grateful for. Yeah, RIGHT.
Perhaps a lot of the 'love' you feel for him is actually just not feeling worth anything more than him, so a part of you is clinging to what you know, afraid of letting go because it is a very big scary world out there. It is, for all of us, but it's a thousand times better than staying where you are.
I'll offer a little advise, I think that finding some thing that is yours and yours alone might help. Go find a dance class, painting, a reading group, what ever YOU are interested in,(if you haven't all ready) don't tell him a damn thing about it. You need to give your self a little perspective, some where that is completely free of him so you can be who you are and remember what life is.
And yes you are doing the right thing, no one needs some one like that in their lives at all. Give yourself a bit of time and space to clear your head and you'll wander what in the blue blazes you where doing with him in the first place. Just remember, the next time he tries making you feel awful, he's doing it because he can, don't let him. You aren't what he tells you you are, he's trying to make you be what he wants you to be. It isn't easy. You have to actually look at him, no matter how much he frightens you, no matter what he is saying, you have to look at him and ask your self why you are letting him do this. Ask yourself exactly what right does he have to say such things? Do these things to you? And why are you standing there taking it?
In the absolute depths of your heart, in the middle of the night, you know what he is and maybe you feel guilty for hating him? Letting him back in is the easy path that will make your life a living hell. As my Granny would say: Head up. Shoulders back. Deep breath and then go divorce him tomorrow.
Though she'd also suggest putting strong laxatives in his food or starching his underwear within an inch of it's life first...(Just an image to make ya grin, not a suggestion.) 😛