I need your help, I need your support. I was so strong for 2 months and then I slipped and am reminded again of the hell I went through with this terrible terrible man. I feel like such a fool...I was so strong and now I went and ruined it all. I have to start from building blocks again. But I am ready to start. I am ready to do anything but now I know that trying is not good enough, and that going back is the biggest mistake I ever made. I got over it, I got over him, I got over the terrible memories and the abuse he put me through and I got over feeling tense and stressed all the time.
And then I had a relapse - last week I found out I would be posted to another department so I told everyone, including him, that I would be leaving. The next day he asked me to lunch and told me that he was sorry about everything in the past and that he still loved me. Idiot that I was, in a moment of complete weakness, I told him I was not sure. Immediately when he realized that I did not outright tell him no, he began to pile it on - telling me that he has changed, etc. I was so stupid! I was honest to him and told him that I don't want to go through the same things again and again, and like the sneaky liar that he is, he promised me that it would all change, that he wasn't the same person anymore.
I can't believe I fell for it! That evening I began to have my doubts and regretted going out to lunch with him. Since then, the same old hell has been back. its like nothing ever changed at all. We have argued everyday since. It's the same things everyday again. He flirts with girls just to get my attention and make me feel like crap and when I tell him that I dislike it, he does it even more. He likes it when he has control over my emotions. He accused me of messing around with one person after another in the 2 months in which we were apart. I never even saw another man in the time we were apart. Its only been a few days but everyday we fight. I know for a fact now that I made the biggest mistake of my life going back to him. Only now, I hope to be able to get rid of him forever. How can I do this?
Every time we fight I tell him "see? I told you I don't want to go through the same thing again and we are doing just that!" and he tells me "So that's how you feel about it? Thats how you treat me?" he turns it on me again - everything he does, he turns it to me to make me feel like it's my fault. Nothing changed at all and most of all he never changed. And I should know that by now. I refuse to play his stupid games now. I told him that when we got back together and now he is trying so hard to pull me back into the same loop, over and over again. I don't want to. I was free of it for 2 months and now I know that that is what i wanted. I don't want him. My friends told me that the moment he realized he no longer had any power over me, he would do anything to get me back just to get me under his control again. He did exactly that! I only have about a week left until I go to another department so I am counting the days until I do. As always, he has turned every day into a bad day for me, and now because of him I have no regrets about leaving.
Please send your support and prayers to me. I need to stay strong. I am just trying to put together all of my strength and willpower to get through these last few days. I just wish that I never went to lunch with him. Ignoring him and pretending like he never existed is much easier than having to deal with him on a daily basis. it's too tiring, too stressful. Please send me your strength! thank you all...